Showers

I just took a shower. Before I started having cancer, I showered everyday; but it has become slightly more harrowing lately, so I space them out a bit. Not too much though--I stopped wearing deodorant, because once you get cancer in your armpit you get a little chemical shy, particularly when it comes to applying it right to where the lump used to be.

My hair hasn't fallen out yet, but from what I've read that should be happening sometime within the next two weeks. I know that being male, I don't have the pressure to remain beautiful through all of this, that losing his hair can be worn as a badge of toughness for a man; but I've never been a hat guy (partially because I have a size 8 head) and I don't like to expose that much of my pale white skin. Read into that last bit however you'd like.

Showering has become more of a body examination than a body cleansing. Feeling around at lumps. I examined my left ball the other day and I won't be doing that again. There was a discomfort when I did so and when you know you have cancer in your body, any pain in any important organs is terrifying. It was probably just some post-chemo aching.

I started watching Breaking Bad (Walt has Stage 3a too) and all of the toughness in the face of adversity seemed a little premature. My perspective is skewed because I have one of the more treatable types; if the cancer were centered in my lungs I'd probably be more freaked out about it. But more than that, I have felt like shit for so long; that I'll gladly suffer for a few months if it means I can feel better. I've really settled in to believing that this is a strange blessing.